Irked

Is it a real word? Is it just an expression with no actual place in the English language? Maybe it's something I just made up. The point is, I am irked, annoyed, POed.

I'm currently hard up for cash because my client is late on paying me. My two other jobs aren't bringing in any immediate money, and I just got charged for two FedEx shipments even though I only made one shipment. Hopefully, that will be resolved later in the morning, but until then, I am irked.

Summer is also coming to a close for me, and I have to say, the rest of summer looks promising and yet bleak at the same time. My Flip is in the shop for repairs and I may just barely get it before I leave for California. Then again, there's also the slightest possibility that I won't get it until after my trip, which would irk me further and probably make my trip just a little less relaxing.

My other camera, the Canon, is also irking me in that it isn't accepting input from external mics. I'm running into the point where everything is moving forward, and yet I've slammed into a dead-stop. I'm trying to schedule everything, but everyone keeps swinging in and saying "Hey, I need you to be here tomorrow." I really can't wait for school, but I don't want that feeling to be how I remember the end of my first college summer.

I'm also learning more about my mind, but what I'm learning only further proves that I may not want to look too much deeper. I realized just a few days ago that I do contemplate suicide almost daily, but not in the way that most people do. When it happens, I see the actual event of suicide and end up seeing the aftermath, which always brings me to realize that suicide is always a bad answer. Through this realization, I came to another conclusion: My logic is keeping me alive. This tendency of mine to place reason over emotion is what is keeping me from doing something stupid. It's not scary. It's actually a bit comforting. I know now that my sense of reason will always protect me from actively making bad decisions, but I also know that I need to focus even more on maintaining my logical viewpoint, which shouldn't be too hard.

I guess that doesn't irk me so much.

Then again, maybe I'm just seeing every possible outcome. Suicide rarely occurs in my mind alone. Other scenarios are often right alongside it. Maybe my brain's just playing a "Choose your own adventure" with me.

That wouldn't be so bad either...

Edit 08/22/2010: I should clarify, so that there's no confusion. I'm not suicidal. I have never come close to killing myself, nor do I see myself doing so anytime soon. Furthermore, I honestly think I would wimp out if I ever did come close. In case you didn't know, I'm allergic to pain.